Hello My Chickadees,
Physical death is an inevitable part of life on earth, and it’s a reality that most of us have a difficult time adjusting to. As difficult as it is to accept the loss of a loved one, compound the anguish, devastation, and grief by ten when you are facing the loss of a child; no matter the age.
In the last four months I have prayed with and for, five friends who have had to release their children back to God. All of these deaths were sudden and unexpected. When confronted with an unexpected loss the first task in the grief process is dealing with the shock of the fact that your loved one is gone. Like a thief in the night, death came and stole the physical life from one who your blood ran through their veins. Your mind struggles to comprehend what your ears heard and your heart doesn’t want to believe.
As a parent, this goes against the natural order of how things are supposed to happen, and a human reaction is to question; why. Why did God take my child? Most parents’ innate reaction is to say, take me. I’ve lived my life. ‘My child was supposed to bury me.’ You struggle to search for answers when there are none. The usual ‘maybe if’; and ‘I should have that, tends to proceed the feeling of helplessness, and sometimes anger, over the inability to prevent it from happening. Your mind replays the tape of the scene from the last time you saw them, and all the things they were planning to do. You wonder in that moment when they were leaving you, whether they called your name and you weren’t there. If you had known that this would be the last time you saw them on this side, you may have held them longer, or flooded them with kisses. You remember how you held them in your arms when they were a baby, and you would kiss their tears away when they fell and skinned their knees. Well-meaning friends and relatives want to make it better for you, but they just don’t know how. The only two things that can make a difference are The Comforter and time; and healing from this kind of pain is a process. So what do you do? I have a few heartfelt messages for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one.
1. Grieve the Way that You Grieve: No one should tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. Every person grieves differently and don’t allow your grief process to be on somebody else’s timetable. Friends and family can empathize with you, but they can’t feel your feelings or have the same relationship you had. Tell them thank you for their concern, but God is in charge of your process.
2. Choose to Let Go of Guilt. In any tragedy or loss we struggle to understand and make sense of something that is out of our control. The truth is, we may never know the why. Why is like a neon stop sign that prevents you from moving on. Even if you knew the why, it doesn’t change the outcome. Hindsight is always 20/20 and very few of us on the planet can predict the future. This is where trust comes in. Replace those guilt producing thoughts with the fact that God has a purpose and a plan for everyone He creates, and we all have an expiration date. When our purpose and mission is completed, we will trade mortality for immortality and we will shed these earthly tents for a glorified body that will never die again. Although you may not have seen this coming, God did; and He promise that His grace will be sufficient for you to bear it, and His power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9. Release those guilty feelings to God and trust that He has a purpose for ALL that He allows.
3. Choose to Remember. Every person who comes into our lives brings the gift of themselves. They touch our lives, and hopefully enriches us by the time spent with us. We are all packed with gifts to share with the universe. As you reflect upon the gift of who you are, and incorporate the gift that your loved one leaves you into your life, you become better because of they touched your life and shared their gift. Remember their smile, or something lodged in your brain that they would say, or how they would handle a situation, or most importantly, the wisdom they sowed into you from the life lessons they learned along their journey here. Remember those special days and times like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays; and plan to remember and acknowledge them in a special way. Whether it’s having a dinner, or releasing balloons, or taking flowers to the graveside; make it a celebration of their life. Gather with some friends and family and celebrate them and their new life as you create a new normal until your work here is done and you join them in eternity. I always tell people that it takes about two years to create a new normal, which is a life without them physically here with you. Allow friends and family to support you and share in letting you know what your loved one’s life also meant to them. When we remember them we honor them and connect with a sense of gratitude to God for sharing them with us.
4. Help Is Available If You Need It. Grieving is a process and should you find that you have become stalled in that process, please don’t be ashamed or afraid to reach out to a professional who can assist you in the healing process. We know that God can miraculously do anything and everything but He most often works through others to partner with Him as instruments of healing. Remember that God does not want you to grieve like those who have no hope, 1 Thessalonians 4:13. As The Comforter steps into your brokenness and does the work of healing the pain of your loss, it is prudent to allow yourself to partner with a professional to assist you in the healing process. God in His wisdom created us to be interdependent upon one another. We are not supposed to walk this journey alone. We all need one another to get through this pilgrim journey we are on. A grief group can also be a wonderful asset to assist in working through your grief and getting support.
The God who loves you and knows your love for the one you had to release. He stands waiting with loving arms to receive them. It is the enemy who is like a roaring lion; seeking who it may devour, 1 Peter 5:8; but Jesus conquered death and called it an enemy. He promised that when He returns He will abolish the last enemy-death, which He will destroy, 1 Corinthians 15:26.
My Chickadees, take courage and comfort in the fact that this is not all that there is. When your table setting is minus one plate, just remember that Spirit, just like love, never dies. Your loved one is with you and will greet you when your work on this side of eternity is done.
In closing I leave you with the following blessing:
“May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you His favor, and give you His peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
Peace and blessings,
Gail